i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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