i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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