Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
