I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
