Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
