she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
