he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
