My cat gives me a boner
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
