the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you would pick up someone in the library
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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