I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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