so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
