20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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