Don't make out with my wife yet
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
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the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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