apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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