She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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