...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
