You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
