You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
