It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
