oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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