what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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