I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
