Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
