I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
