I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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