alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
