He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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