How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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