I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
