she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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