good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
