Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
