I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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