I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
