the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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