Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
