mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
