I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
