On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
