You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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