He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
