Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
