theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
