My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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