well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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