I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
