Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
