Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
