You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
