It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
where are my eyebrows?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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