just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
