btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
