New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
