I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
