I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
