im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
