watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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