MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
