Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Rumble strips road head = magical
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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